They Want Connection. So Why Is It So Hard to Join In?

For some children, teens, and young adults, the desire to connect is there, but figuring out how to make it happen can feel overwhelming.

Maybe they’re afraid they won’t be good at something. Maybe they can’t imagine enjoying an unfamiliar activity. Maybe they want to participate but don’t know how to enter the conversation.

And sometimes, they’re connecting in ways adults don’t immediately recognize.

Interestingly, research is challenging some long-held assumptions about autism and social motivation. Many autistic individuals value friendship and belonging, but the way they seek and experience connection may look different from what others expect. A shared activity, a familiar peer, or simply being together without the pressure to perform socially can be meaningful.

At Social EdVentures, we’re learning that there’s a big difference between teaching someone how to socialize and giving them opportunities to experience connection.

We can teach conversation skills, flexibility, problem-solving, and perspective-taking.

But we can’t script the moment a peer reaches out and says, “I’ve got you.”

Or the unexpected laughter during an activity someone initially refused to try.

Or the quiet sense of belonging that comes from simply being included.

Those moments happen in real life.

And that’s why we take social learning beyond the therapy room and into the community, where peers, shared experiences, and genuine connections become part of the learning.

We’re also discovering something along the way.

Sometimes our EdVenturers are teaching us just as much about what connection means as we’re teaching them.

A Little Something to Try at Home

Instead of asking, “Why don’t you want to make friends?” try asking:

“When do you feel most comfortable being around other people?”

You might be surprised by what you learn.

For children who communicate differently, this conversation can happen through choices, gestures, AAC, or simply paying attention to the moments when they seem most comfortable and engaged.

Sometimes understanding connection starts with changing the questions we ask.